Do NOT do this ...

Ladies .... This is why men think we are crazy. Stay away from the computer. You cannot erase what you have already sent. Consider this a cautionary tale.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qg-heCy0CbQ

Til Text Do Us Part

Technology. Great in theory, but a pain in the ass in reality. As our society goes whizzing along into the future, more and more gadgets are being created for our convenience. We now have GPS systems so that we no longer get lost. Yeah,…right. I had a GPS unit in my rental car while on my last vacation. The thing spoke to me in Korean for the first three days. If sitting on the side of LA’s 405 highway trying to make the little devil box speak English while semi trucks are blowing past me in all 6 lanes of traffic is convenient, then our society is definitely screwed. Ipods have ousted CDs from our vernacular as well. They are handy little devices until the day they decide to freeze up and hold your music collection captive until you can find a 14 year old to fix it for you. Yeah … that’s quite convenient. Thank God I spent over three hundred dollars for this kind of ease of use. Throw in the other assortment of technological goodies that we are now offered such as laptops, self-scanning registers at stores, and my personal nemesis, programmable thermostats and it’s enough to make your hair hurt.

If I had to choose one device that I thought was rushing us to the brink of societal collapse the fastest it would have to be the ubiquitous cell phone. Yes, I admit I have one and I would be lost without it at this point. It has become a permanent fixture in my life. There is no escaping it now. This doesn’t mean I have to like it though. I’m not sure who invented the text message function but they are definitely not making my Christmas card list any time soon. Every one sends text messages these days. Everyone. My grandmother knows how to text for Chrissakes. The same woman who speaks to the ATM machine because she believes the people inside can hear her. Lord, help us all.

My disdain for texting goes far beyond the obvious reasons as to why we should be wary of becoming so reliant on certain forms of technology. It’s pretty clear that text messages are destroying our ability to use the English language faster than our decaying school systems are. This is an actual text message I recently received: …“did u c ne1 u new @ the prty”. What the fuck does that say? I’ve seen hieroglyphics that were more easily decoded. Perhaps when that fourteen year old is done fixing my ipod, he can come translate my messages for me. And please … I’m not even going to start ranting about the fact that texting has made driving the second most dangerous activity after base jumping. That swerving driver up ahead isn’t drunk; no she is just letting her friends know she is two seconds away.

I think my biggest problem with texting is the damage it seems to be doing to our relationships these days. Have we become so reliant on technology that we are now incapable of speaking to each other? If not face to face, at least over the phone? Why have poorly worded fragment sentences become our main form of communication? If there is one glaring problem with texts it would seem to be the amazing amount of miscommunication that emanates from our phones. Men and women interpret things differently. Men tend to be blunt, to the point, very direct. Women enjoy subtext, we infer meaning into the smallest of things. For example, a woman texts the man she is dating to ask about what time they are getting together that night. She writes, “R we on 4 7 still?”. His reply, “Sure, whateva”. This two word answer has now sent this reasonably sane woman into a tailspin. Does he not want to go out? Is this his way of telling me to back off? Why isn’t he excited to see me? Should I cancel our plans first so I don’t look needy? And the dreaded thought …. Is he mad at me?

While all of this is churning in this poor girl’s head, the man is sitting at his desk surfing ESPN.com and staring at the clock oblivious to the inner turmoil that is quickly engulfing his girlfriend. After a few minutes of silent panic the girls sends another text. This one says, “We can get 2gether sum othr time if u want”. Of course this woman is hoping that he will make it clear that he does indeed want to see her this evening. The reply she receives says, “k. thats cool”. It is at this point, ladies and gentlemen, that what could have been a fabulous romance is now hitting a brick wall. The minute this girl received this text message she is instantly on the phone with her best friend deciphering what every single letter means. He must not be into me, she laments. I thought things were going so well. He must be cheating on me. And then the question posed by women around the world … Why do all men suck? During this entire episode, the same man is still sitting at his desk working on his fantasy football team. Unaware that he will no longer be seeing this woman due to two text messages. Like I said, technology is really helping us out.

Another side effect of our addiction to text messages is the wall that it builds between us and the people we date. Receiving a text message is not as intimate as a phone call. It never will be. It wasn’t so long ago that we used to sit around eagerly anticipating that first phone call from that “new” person we just met. Now it seems that phone calls are reserved for emergencies and birthdays. My entire relationship with the bartender consisted of text messages. He called me only two times the entire three months we were dating. TWO TIMES. How I found this acceptable at the time beyond my powers of comprehension. If I didn’t see his name on my caller ID I wouldn’t have known it was him. I couldn’t recognize my own boyfriend’s voice on the phone!! This is a problem.

Text messaging allows us to remove ourselves from the situation. They are just words after all. It’s easier to say things to people we normally wouldn’t utter in person. I’m sure the number of daters who have been dumped via text messages is quickly outnumbering the amount of people getting tossed overboard via the phone, or god forbid, in person. It’s just plain rude and quite frankly, unacceptable. Who really wants to be told that they are loved by their significant other for the first time through a cell phone? Hey guys … why don’t you grab your balls from the pocket that you normally keep your cell phone in, man up, and tell the girl you love her right to her adorable face. You’ll be glad you did, honestly.

For some of us unlucky ones, text messages can also be the bearer of very bad news. In our effort to send off messages as quickly as possible, it is easy to make a mistake and send a text to the wrong person. If we haven’t done it personally, we sure as hell know people who have. I’ve heard countless stories of both men and women who have received texts meant for someone else. Some of these messages suggested that the other person was cheating on them and others just flat out confirmed it. That’s one way to have a perfectly good day ruined in ten seconds flat. Nothing says love more than receiving a text message saying, “ I miss u so much Jen” when your name is Tammy and your boyfriend is parked on your couch. Good times!!

The Bartender was quite guilty of the last dating infraction. This man would sit right next to me typing away on his Blackberry for inordinate amounts of time. He would tell me it was his brother or his roommate and I wouldn’t give it a second thought. Turns out he was actually texting the other girl he had been sleeping with the entire time we were dating. Ouch! Do you know the worst thing about that situation? I was recently told what he had been up to while we were together THROUGH A FUCKING TEXT MESSAGE! Gotta love the irony of that one.

As technology advances, perhaps text messaging will go the way of the eight track. Or perhaps we will realize that computers and electronic gadgets will just never be as satisfying as a “face to face” communication. Until that time I guess I will just have to get that fourteen year old to show me how to send picture messages, right after he is done programming my DVR.

He's Baaaaacccckkkkk .....

He’s Baaaaccckkkkk …….

Tell me … What do unpaid parking tickets, student loans, and ex-boyfriends all have in common? Sure, all three are annoying, but that’s not the answer. Give up? Well, ladies, the answer to this riddle is that they’ll always come back to haunt you. Always! You could put money on it. Sure, we may not know when or why they are going to turn up like ulcers in a stress ward, but trust me, they will turn up. And it’s never at a good time. The most likely time for an ex to surface is usually right after you have finally gotten over him, or when you have just met an awesome guy, or when you’ve moved halfway across the country. It’s never in the weeks or months when you are dying for contact or an answer as to why he left. Nooooo, those months are silent. The only people who seem to have your phone number then are telemarketers and your grandmother. Then all of a sudden it’s as if an ex-boyfriend alarm bell goes off. Beeeeepppp …. Beeeeeeppp … time to mess with her head,… beeeeeppp … beeeepppp. There are few things we can really count on in life, but rest assured, all creepy ex-boyfriends will resurface like Flipper looking for a free lunch at the side of your boat.

Now, let me begin by saying that this does not apply to every single ex-boyfriend. Although I have dated a record-setting number of loser men in the past fifteen years, I have also dated some truly wonderful guys. Even though these relationships eventually ran their course, I have nothing but good feelings towards these gentlemen. Every so often I hear from one of these exes and I’m always happy that they decided to seek me out. There is a special place in my heart for each one of them and it makes me happy knowing that they are doing well.

But then again, there is the other category of exes; the ones who do nothing but cause me trouble, heartache, and time. We’ve all had relationships with people that, in retrospect, we never should have. Either we dated the “Bad Boy”, the “Mr. Unavailable”, or “The Player”. It’s just part of the dating experience. Some of us date a few and then move on to more rewarding relationships. Others keep dating a variation of the same guy hoping for different results each time. And you know what doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results is called ladies?? …INSANITY!!! I would fit in the latter category, just in case you’re wondering. Our lives end up being much better when they are gone; less drama,…less heartache,…less frustration. So why can’t they stay gone?

Of all the exes who have resurfaced throughout my life, there is one who wins the award for most appearances made by a former love. “The Marine” and I met shortly after he had returned from Iraq. It was love at first sight … for him. I, on the other hand, was actually seeing someone at the time that we met and although we hung out a few times, I really wasn’t interested. The Marine, however, was very persistent. Although he actually lived in the Eastern part of the state, The Marine spent a lot of time at a local air force base close to my house. He would call me endlessly, he showed up at my bar randomly, and he would even come over to my house just to see if I was around. This guy definitely bordered on stalker for much of the time I knew him.

We met in April and by September he had won me over. The relationship I had been in when I met the Marine was dying on the vine, withering like a sod lawn in the Sahara. Even though the Marine was a little creepy in his persistent efforts to win me over, he was genuinely funny and caring. Because we lived about two hours apart, we spent countless hours on the phone. It reminded me of a high school relationship in a way. We even had a prom of sorts to go to. The Marine asked me to accompany him to his Marine Corp Ball. That is a story for a different column, but, believe me, it was an amazing evening.

Our relationship progressed through the fall, winter, and into the spring. Although we lived a decent distance apart we made the best of it. Yet, like all good things, and apparently all of my relationships, we suddenly came to an end. For Christmas I had purchased the Marine tickets to go see Motley Crew. He had an almost creepy obsession with everything they had to do with the 80’s. The Marine even joked that he wouldn’t be able to break up with me until after the concert because he wanted to see this band so badly. I thought he was joking at the time, but only a few days after the concert, he stayed true to his word and dropped me like a virus. Now, I’ve met people who have been huge fans before, but this guy was so far over the top you needed binoculars to track his orbit in the ozone! Besides, Motley Crew?? Where’s “Simple Minds” when you need them???

Speaking of which, The Marine ended things in a short call, conveniently, while I was driving to work. He blamed the demise of our relationship on the physical distance between us. Oh yeah, and he confessed to having a pretty big prescription pill addiction. Damn, I thought, where’s my pills to cure me of this pain in the ass??? Jeez, how do I pick these guys? In retrospect, it was easy to see how he could have hid his drug use from me. His “mumbling” on the phone could always be blamed on Sprint or Verizon. The old “Can you hear me now” syndrome!! We lived so far apart from each other and saw each other so infrequently, that when we were together, I was so excited to see him I wasn’t looking for flaws or odd behavior. Ladies, always remember to keep the “blinders” off when you’re driving down the highway in heavy, romantic traffic.

Even though I knew it was better in the long run that our relationship ended; I was still one sad puppy. I did love him and his lies of omission stung. In order to have a successful long-distance relationship you need trust, probably more than you might need in a relationship where you see that person on a fairly consistent basis. The Marine broke my trust like a tooth that just bit into a marble. I felt downright foolish, even more so than I normally do when I look back at my list of relationships.

After a few months things were getting back to normal. I was moving on and actually dating someone new. That’s when the phone calls started. Here is a tip ladies: …any phone call received after eleven o’clock at night is a “booty call”. Plain and simple. Guys are not calling to chat or catch up on what you had for dinner. They are calling because they hope we have been drinking and that we are up for having company. Here’s another tip: …we are not the only ones they called that night. Not by a long shot. I, however, was just foolish enough to be the one who picked up the phone.

I knew I should have let his call go into voicemail, or better yet, to hell,… but I was too curious. Did he miss me? Was he sorry? Was he about to stand on my lawn ala John Cusack in Say Anything? Was everything all right? I went over the hundreds of questions that have a tendency to go through a girl’s head. As we talked, he seemed well and alive. No visible signs of remorse or longing, no real interesting conversation either, actually. He did make a lot of thinly veiled hints that he wanted to come over that evening though. This should have been the point where I hung up the phone and started doing my nails, but like I stated before, I just never learn,….duh!!! You can imagine what happened next.

Once I opened the door (no pun intended) to these late night phone calls, they showed no signs of stopping. We had hit the hazy, post-break-up shoals of ambiguity that many former couples seem to navigate. We weren’t in a relationship, but we really weren’t seeing other people either. The Marine was basically getting all of the benefits of having a girlfriend without having to do any of the work. It took me a while to realize we weren’t getting anywhere. Well, he was getting to home plate, but I wasn’t getting anywhere!! I was caught in that dreaded booty call limbo and I’m just not that flexible. I was falling on my ass each time.

It took a few more of the Marine’s late night calls to make me realize that the only thing I was getting out of this arrangement was a headache brought upon by severe lack of sleep. It was difficult at first but I finally started to ignore his calls. Part of me hoped that my lack of communication would make him realize what he had thrown away. It was not to be, but his calls did slowly taper off. It was every weekend, then every few weeks, then nothing,…zero,…zip,…nada! All that was left was an uninterrupted night of sleep and this lesson: … Always check your caller ID.