Even though everyones’ reactions to my stories has been different, the main question I am asked is why? Why am I putting my life on the internet? Why am I calling out these men who I should let slither away to their respective rocks that they surely came from? Am I vengeful and mean? I am finally taking a stand for women scorned across this planet? Do I need some heavy duty psych drugs? Do I need to find a hobby? What’s my deal?
Well first, let me assure you that I am not in it for the fame. There are no visions of reality shows dancing in this head. Even though it seems that achieving our fifteen short minutes of fame is now the only goal of every American; I refuse to participate in that horse race. I am not signing myself up to eat sub-Saharan fire ants or trying to make it on “Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire Sheep Herder”. This kind of stuff just doesn’t do it for me. Even though I put out a lot of information on the internet, I edit the things that I say. I let people view my life on my own terms. And if we can be serious for a second … Who would really want to watch me on my own reality show? The only viewers I’d attract would be people who feel that C-SPAN was just a tad too exciting to watch before bed time. I can only imagine it would sound something like this: "Tonight on 'Token Single Girl', Hadley goes to the grocery store. Paper or plastic? Will she make the right decision?" I just don’t think there is a network out there that is willing to make me their highlight for sweeps week.
I am also not out to destroy and embarrass my exes; even though I think that printing up flyers with their names and pictures and putting them on every car I go by would be great fun. I definitely think that I would facing some hefty legal bills if I proceeded with that idea. It’s a recession; I need my cash, thanks. Although I have dated guys who define the word “asshole”, they are my assholes. The feelings are long gone, but I did love each and every one of them at some point. I use alias’ and I blur the details just enough so that the only people who really know who was involved are me, my exes, and my close friends. However, everything I write is the truth, I promise. I honestly couldn’t make this shit up. Some of the stuff I’ve seen would give even the godfather of imagination, Walt Disney, a run for his money.
While I am at it, let me clarify something. I have had wonderful relationships with a handful of men over the years. Men who were probably better to me than I deserved at the time. I’m no angel. I am chronically late, I am a pro at dicking around instead of getting stuff done, and I have a habit of getting someone else to hold my stuff while I’m shopping. I don’t write about these great men as much because, quite frankly, that stuff isn’t as funny. I guess my exes were good for one thing: they provide entertainment for people who are stuck in cubicles and boring economic classes. They came up with their shenanigans all on their own. I’m just documenting it.
So WHY am I doing this? Well, it’s because I’ve been there. That place where your heart is so broken that it hurts to breathe. That place where you feel like no one can imagine what you are going through. That place where you must wear sweatpants and eat ice cream out of the container while watching “Beaches” over and over for weeks at a time. Even though I can laugh about some of this stuff now, at the time I thought I was never going to feel better again. I was positive that I was destined to be a crazy cat lady who wears cardigans with tissues tucked up the sleeves during the summer. I contemplated buying a rocking chair at Ikea and just getting it over with.
God knows how I made it through these times, but I did. Now I’m out here trying to save others. I don’t want anyone to have to go through what I have experienced. My guys may not have twin brothers, but there are a shit load of men who act the same exact way. Every single one of you has had a relationship where the only good that came from it was the Kleenex’s stock went up significantly after it ended. I’ve actually just purchased some stocks from this company a few weeks ago. Making money every time I get tangled up with a tool helps soften the blow a tiny bit. I’m guess I’m finally catching on after all these years of dating.
If my stories can help someone walk away from a relationship that is causing them nothing but hurt and time, then I feel as though my self-imposed public humiliation was actually a good idea. I’m dating dickheads so you don’t have to! No, no ... there is no need to thank me. I don’t remember wanting to be a romantic cautionary tale when I was growing up. I thought I was going to be a veterinarian. I’m not sure what I did in my past lives to put me in this position, but I am going to make an educated guess and say that I wasn’t the nicest neighbor on the block. No one was coming to my house for a cup of sugar or an egg, that’s for sure.
Regardless of why I’ve met these men; I did learn from each relationship. For example, I’ve learned that copious amounts of Fritos and Ben and Jerry’s are pretty much one of the worst decisions one can make. I’m here now to pass these lessons on to you. Take my tales to heart and you will save yourself time, sanity, and emotion-fueled drinking binges. I’m not just taking one for the team; I’m the goddamn Joe Torre of terrible dates and the opposing team is throwing a lot of strikes. I’m going to hit a grand slam one day, but until then I hope my stories can help you get on base.
