Facebook Is For Stalkers

I have a confession. I am a terrible procrastinator. There is not a project, deadline, or appointment that I cannot justify putting off. Homework? Nah, it’s time to reorganize my junk drawer. I have to be at work in an hour? Sounds like a great time to alphabetize my CDs. However, there is nothing, absolutely nothing, that sucks up my time like the internet. I can burn up some serious hours on my computer. Online arcade games, random personality tests, Youtube. Yeah, I do it all. Out of the millions of websites out there though, one website claims more of my time than all the others put together. Facebook, ladies, is my own personal black hole. I’ve spent enough time on FB that I ought to be compensated ….. Or have my computer taken away.

Now, I know I may have a problem, but I am not the only one. We all do it. Facebook is addictive. We start off slowly. We update our status, check our friend’s profiles, maybe a video or two. Next thing we know we are looking at photos of our college roommate’s best friend’s wedding. Why? How did we get here? Do we really care about these people? Do we even actually KNOW these people? Did I really just spend two hours on this website? Shit, I’m late for work.

If we are not reading about the lives of people we barely know, then we can be found looking at the pages of people we do know. Close friends, family members, and …. Um, I don’t know …. Ex-boyfriends, maybe? It’s hard not to take the occasional peak, right? We didn’t really leave them on our friends’ list just to send happy birthday messages. There is always going to be a part of us that is curious of what they are up to. We can’t help it. If you love someone there will always be a connection there. We may hate the bastards, but we still want to know what they are up to. Thank God Facebook is here to help us with that. However, even though it’s easy for us to check up on our exes; is it healthy for us?

Moving on after a break-up can be very difficult; especially if we weren’t the ones who wanted to split up. It’s easy to get stuck in the past. It’s even easier when we can summon up our ex with the click of a mouse. I am just as guilty of this as anyone else. When the Bartender disappeared suddenly from my life I was pretty crushed. I tried to comfort myself with thoughts of him falling off of a cliff or wandering around with serious head trauma that had caused amnesia. Facebook ruined the fantasy for me though. The Bartender had recently signed up on FB and was in my friend list. If he wasn’t going to tell me where he went, perhaps his profile would.

Looking back, I think deep down I knew that checking his profile was a bad idea. I knew there was nothing on there that was going to make me happy or understand why he pulled such a dick move. But I went and did it anyway … again and again. Just as my inner voice had warned; there was nothing good written on his account. No posts about him missing me, no comments from friends asking how he could do such a thing to the best girlfriend he’s ever had, no pictures of him crying his eyes out. Nada. Nothing. Zip. There were, however, posts about him having a great time at Six Flags just days after he went missing. Seriously?!? I’m home, moping on my couch, surrounded by tear-stained tissues and Chinese take-out, and Houdini is off riding Superman? What the fuck?

There were pictures too. You guessed it …. I looked. My favorites must have been from the Fourth of July party he had thrown when I was still under the impression that we were dating. No …. I was not invited. In each and every picture the Bartender looked quite happy and content. Look – there he is smiling with a beer. Look – there is the Bartender laughing with friends. Wait a minute – there is the Bartender with his crazy ex-girlfriend he swore he couldn’t stand. Move out of the way …. I’m going to be sick.

Although I can blame the Bartender for many things, I can’t not blame him for my feeling terrible each time I looked at his profile. I knew I shouldn’t have, but I did it anyway. All he was doing was moving forward while I was remaining in the past. Here I am, a reasonably sane adult, willingly torturing myself. And I know I’m not the only one. Many of my girlfriends have done the same thing. We’ve sat on the phone late at night trying to decipher what each status update means. When he says he’s bored does that mean he is bored because life sucks without me? No, ladies, sadly it means he is bored because it is the All-Star break and there are no sports on TV. Guys are simple. They are not sending hidden messages to us via social networking sites.

Eventually, I stopped checking the Bartender’s profile. It came to me mid-click. I needed to stop clinging to a relationship that was over. The Bartender wasn’t checking my profile trying to see what I was up to. He was off living his life. Well, that’s exactly what we need to do ladies. Even though online stalking seems like a harmless pastime, someone is getting hurt. That someone is us. Let’s start using our computers for what God intended; finding awesome shoe sales. Or great concert tickets. Or the next bestseller that is coming out. Anything that makes us feel good and makes us appreciate ourselves for the awesome people we are.

That’s exactly what I did in the end. I went to the Bartender’s profile one last time … to delete him. I’m not going to lie; it was hard. It was also empowering though. This time it was me in the driver’s seat. I was making the decision to let go and, in the end, I’m glad I did. You’ll be glad to. Our future loves are out there ladies, we just need to get off the computer and go find them.