He's Baaaaacccckkkkk .....

He’s Baaaaccckkkkk …….

Tell me … What do unpaid parking tickets, student loans, and ex-boyfriends all have in common? Sure, all three are annoying, but that’s not the answer. Give up? Well, ladies, the answer to this riddle is that they’ll always come back to haunt you. Always! You could put money on it. Sure, we may not know when or why they are going to turn up like ulcers in a stress ward, but trust me, they will turn up. And it’s never at a good time. The most likely time for an ex to surface is usually right after you have finally gotten over him, or when you have just met an awesome guy, or when you’ve moved halfway across the country. It’s never in the weeks or months when you are dying for contact or an answer as to why he left. Nooooo, those months are silent. The only people who seem to have your phone number then are telemarketers and your grandmother. Then all of a sudden it’s as if an ex-boyfriend alarm bell goes off. Beeeeepppp …. Beeeeeeppp … time to mess with her head,… beeeeeppp … beeeepppp. There are few things we can really count on in life, but rest assured, all creepy ex-boyfriends will resurface like Flipper looking for a free lunch at the side of your boat.

Now, let me begin by saying that this does not apply to every single ex-boyfriend. Although I have dated a record-setting number of loser men in the past fifteen years, I have also dated some truly wonderful guys. Even though these relationships eventually ran their course, I have nothing but good feelings towards these gentlemen. Every so often I hear from one of these exes and I’m always happy that they decided to seek me out. There is a special place in my heart for each one of them and it makes me happy knowing that they are doing well.

But then again, there is the other category of exes; the ones who do nothing but cause me trouble, heartache, and time. We’ve all had relationships with people that, in retrospect, we never should have. Either we dated the “Bad Boy”, the “Mr. Unavailable”, or “The Player”. It’s just part of the dating experience. Some of us date a few and then move on to more rewarding relationships. Others keep dating a variation of the same guy hoping for different results each time. And you know what doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results is called ladies?? …INSANITY!!! I would fit in the latter category, just in case you’re wondering. Our lives end up being much better when they are gone; less drama,…less heartache,…less frustration. So why can’t they stay gone?

Of all the exes who have resurfaced throughout my life, there is one who wins the award for most appearances made by a former love. “The Marine” and I met shortly after he had returned from Iraq. It was love at first sight … for him. I, on the other hand, was actually seeing someone at the time that we met and although we hung out a few times, I really wasn’t interested. The Marine, however, was very persistent. Although he actually lived in the Eastern part of the state, The Marine spent a lot of time at a local air force base close to my house. He would call me endlessly, he showed up at my bar randomly, and he would even come over to my house just to see if I was around. This guy definitely bordered on stalker for much of the time I knew him.

We met in April and by September he had won me over. The relationship I had been in when I met the Marine was dying on the vine, withering like a sod lawn in the Sahara. Even though the Marine was a little creepy in his persistent efforts to win me over, he was genuinely funny and caring. Because we lived about two hours apart, we spent countless hours on the phone. It reminded me of a high school relationship in a way. We even had a prom of sorts to go to. The Marine asked me to accompany him to his Marine Corp Ball. That is a story for a different column, but, believe me, it was an amazing evening.

Our relationship progressed through the fall, winter, and into the spring. Although we lived a decent distance apart we made the best of it. Yet, like all good things, and apparently all of my relationships, we suddenly came to an end. For Christmas I had purchased the Marine tickets to go see Motley Crew. He had an almost creepy obsession with everything they had to do with the 80’s. The Marine even joked that he wouldn’t be able to break up with me until after the concert because he wanted to see this band so badly. I thought he was joking at the time, but only a few days after the concert, he stayed true to his word and dropped me like a virus. Now, I’ve met people who have been huge fans before, but this guy was so far over the top you needed binoculars to track his orbit in the ozone! Besides, Motley Crew?? Where’s “Simple Minds” when you need them???

Speaking of which, The Marine ended things in a short call, conveniently, while I was driving to work. He blamed the demise of our relationship on the physical distance between us. Oh yeah, and he confessed to having a pretty big prescription pill addiction. Damn, I thought, where’s my pills to cure me of this pain in the ass??? Jeez, how do I pick these guys? In retrospect, it was easy to see how he could have hid his drug use from me. His “mumbling” on the phone could always be blamed on Sprint or Verizon. The old “Can you hear me now” syndrome!! We lived so far apart from each other and saw each other so infrequently, that when we were together, I was so excited to see him I wasn’t looking for flaws or odd behavior. Ladies, always remember to keep the “blinders” off when you’re driving down the highway in heavy, romantic traffic.

Even though I knew it was better in the long run that our relationship ended; I was still one sad puppy. I did love him and his lies of omission stung. In order to have a successful long-distance relationship you need trust, probably more than you might need in a relationship where you see that person on a fairly consistent basis. The Marine broke my trust like a tooth that just bit into a marble. I felt downright foolish, even more so than I normally do when I look back at my list of relationships.

After a few months things were getting back to normal. I was moving on and actually dating someone new. That’s when the phone calls started. Here is a tip ladies: …any phone call received after eleven o’clock at night is a “booty call”. Plain and simple. Guys are not calling to chat or catch up on what you had for dinner. They are calling because they hope we have been drinking and that we are up for having company. Here’s another tip: …we are not the only ones they called that night. Not by a long shot. I, however, was just foolish enough to be the one who picked up the phone.

I knew I should have let his call go into voicemail, or better yet, to hell,… but I was too curious. Did he miss me? Was he sorry? Was he about to stand on my lawn ala John Cusack in Say Anything? Was everything all right? I went over the hundreds of questions that have a tendency to go through a girl’s head. As we talked, he seemed well and alive. No visible signs of remorse or longing, no real interesting conversation either, actually. He did make a lot of thinly veiled hints that he wanted to come over that evening though. This should have been the point where I hung up the phone and started doing my nails, but like I stated before, I just never learn,….duh!!! You can imagine what happened next.

Once I opened the door (no pun intended) to these late night phone calls, they showed no signs of stopping. We had hit the hazy, post-break-up shoals of ambiguity that many former couples seem to navigate. We weren’t in a relationship, but we really weren’t seeing other people either. The Marine was basically getting all of the benefits of having a girlfriend without having to do any of the work. It took me a while to realize we weren’t getting anywhere. Well, he was getting to home plate, but I wasn’t getting anywhere!! I was caught in that dreaded booty call limbo and I’m just not that flexible. I was falling on my ass each time.

It took a few more of the Marine’s late night calls to make me realize that the only thing I was getting out of this arrangement was a headache brought upon by severe lack of sleep. It was difficult at first but I finally started to ignore his calls. Part of me hoped that my lack of communication would make him realize what he had thrown away. It was not to be, but his calls did slowly taper off. It was every weekend, then every few weeks, then nothing,…zero,…zip,…nada! All that was left was an uninterrupted night of sleep and this lesson: … Always check your caller ID.