Do you know what I see every year during the last few days leading up to Christmas? I see men who are in a panic; trying to find the “perfect” gift for their girlfriends or wives at the very last minute. While finding the one gift that will make their loved love jump for joy would be fabulous, I think most men would be happy to find something that doesn’t piss her off and leads to months of no sex and sleeping on the couch.

You have my sympathy guys. Women are hard to shop for. We won’t come out and tell you what we want, and we won’t tell you why we are mad on Christmas day. I can see how bewildering and frustrating it can be when your significant other gives you the silent treatment for no apparent reason. Is it the gift she just opened? Is it because I am not wearing the reindeer sweater her grandmother gave me last year? Is it the because I skipped the cocktail party held by her uptight college roommate who openly hates you, three months ago? There is just no way of knowing, and unfortunately women aren’t breaking this little habit any time soon. So, as a gesture of good will, I’m going to slip you a few tips that will keep your twice yearly blow jobs from becoming a distant memory. So, listen up kids and take some notes. Your sex life depends on it.

1. Do not buy us clothes. Ever.

This is not territory you want to navigate on your own. While many men have attempted to go this route alone, almost none are known to have made it out alive. Learn from your fallen brethren. Stay out of the women’s clothing department – no matter what store you are in. The list of things that can go wrong are endless; and believe me, things will go wrong! For example, if you buy something one size too big, then your girlfriend will assume that you think she’s fat. If you buy something too small, she’s going to think the same thing. That will lead to a pleasant Christmas dinner, won’t it? For men who have sat through a holiday meal watching your wife give you dirty looks while she nibbles on a plate full of celery, you might want to think about you put under the tree that year. Any twinkling light bulbs going off in your head right now?

Along with size, there is also the style issue. Unless you are a straight version of Tim Gunn there is no way you are going to pick something that she will actually wear. If it’s too sexy, she will think you are calling her a slut. If it’s not sexy at all, she will think that you find her as sexy as an Amish grandmother. I’m not going to even bother talking about lingerie. Every man in the world knows how terrible of an idea that is, and if they don’t, well then they deserve the attitude that is most definitely going to come “free of charge” with that gift.

2. Jewelry? It better be a diamond in the shape of an engagement ring.

If you are at the point in your relationship where it is time to tie the knot, be careful not to tie your own noose this upcoming holiday. Admittedly, this tip really only applies to a select portion of the male population, but any guy who plans to get married EVER can benefit from this insider information. If you are not ready to drop to one knee this Christmas Eve, you better let your girlfriend know beforehand. An engagement ring is the female equivalent of a Red Rider, carbine action, two-hundred shot model air rifle. Except we are 100 times more disappointed on Christmas morning when all we get are pjs and a pair of cubic zirconia earrings. I’m warning you now: You WILL pay dearly for this mistake. Remember those things called blow jobs? Well, you better hold on to your memories because they are officially gone.

You may, for various reasons, want to get engaged at a later date; I’m not judging. But you must slip this fact into as many conversations as you can once Thanksgiving rolls around. Remember, women are subtle. You can give her the wrong impression with the slightest statement. Something as tiny as agreeing with her when she says how romantic the latest Hallmark commercial is, can wreak havoc that only Stephen King could imagine. Tell your significant other that getting engaged at Christmas is unoriginal and that you feel she deserves something more. Play up that angle as best you can, and you may avoid a Christmas Day disaster of biblical proportions. It’s Jesus’ day, let him (and you) enjoy it in relative peace instead of hearing his name in a variety of sentences that in no way whatsoever include the words “happy” or “birthday” in them.

3. Jumper cables are not sexy.

I get you guys on this one, I really do. You care about your wife or girlfriend and you want her to be safe when you are not around to save the day. I really think it’s a shame that more women don’t make the connection between tires and true love. Men tend to be the more practical half of a couple and this role comes in handy a lot. However, at Christmas your woman wants romance, not rugged performance snow boots. Skip the AAA membership and get her a gift certificate for a couples massage. Trust me; I know what I’m talking about on this one.

4. Household items are not for the holidays.

If you have ever seen the movie “Father of the Bride” you understand the importance of keeping blenders and toasters as far away from your Christmas tree as possible. For those who don’t know, allow me to fill you in. Women want gifts that do not cause visions of housework to dance in her head. Sure, she has mentioned that a new vacuum would be a great thing, but now is not the time. Would you like it if she got you a ladder and gloves for cleaning out the gutters, instead of the Xbox 360 game Call of Duty: Black Ops? I didn’t think so. Keep this tidbit in mind while you are scanning the shelves at your local mall this Christmas Eve.

5. Listen for clues.

While there are women who write a detailed list of Christmas desires and post them all over the house and car, these women are usually gold diggers. The rest of my gender relies on YOU to pick up the hints that we feel are very clear and straightforward. This is the perfect time to put the detective skills you learned by watching Law and Order re-runs to good use. Look for magazines around the house that are open to a specific page. Read that page carefully. You may hit the jackpot, and find that your love has circled the item she wants already. This has been known to happen; it’s not just a myth.

Television time can also bring you all sorts of insight into the mind of your girlfriend. Notice her reactions to certain commercials. If there is a new cell phone or shoe store being advertised and she gets excited, you can safely assume that these are things she would like to see under the tree. (Not the entire shoe store, even though that would be a female’s dream come true. A gift certificate will work just fine.)

If you are pressed for time and really need to get a present quickly, you can always enlist the help of her friends. Women tell their best friends what’s on this year’s Christmas wish list for this exact reason! Not only will you pick out the perfect gift, but you will also get points for talking to and being nice to her friends. That’s a “buy one get one” deal for sure. That may lead to counter-top sex and a full day of football with the guys. It’s the gift that keeps on giving. Literally.

6. Come on Kris Kringle – get creative!

In a poll of 100 women, 99 agreed that a homemade gift from their significant other is the best present that they could ever receive. The solo nay vote came in absentia from a woman who was not in attendance. She was stuck at home dealing with a Christmas cookie emergency brought on because her husband forgot to bring home shortening like he said he would. I can only imagine how rough his Christmas was that year. Yikes! The sheer horror of it gives me the chills. I’ll put good money down on the fact his wife will bring up this teeny mistake at Easter, the Fourth of July, and Labor Day weekend for at least a few years.

To women, it doesn’t matter what you make, it’s that you made it in the first place. A homemade card is more precious than any kind of expensive present you could ever come up with. (Engagement rings and trips to Tahiti not included, of course.) Yes, your girlfriend might not have a need for a bird house constructed from popsicle sticks and pipe cleaners, but she will keep it forever, believe me. Put a photo album together with pictures of the two of you that she loves. Add some hand-written captions and you will never have to suffer through another Lifetime movie again. That bonus alone should get you up and searching for construction paper right now. If you need any more encouragement, picture the shower sex or road head you will get simply because you pulled out the hot glue gun. Need I say more?

For the women who may be reading this, please try to give your man a break this year. Most guys really do try to make you happy; they are just really, really bad at decoding women-speak. Try to see your gifts through his eyes. You may realize that the man of your dreams is right in front of you … he’s just hidden behind the bow he put on your new washing machine.

As cliché as the saying might be, it really is the thought that counts. Men hate malls like cats hate water. (Men also hate cats, but that’s a different column all together.) Your boyfriend is trying to make you happy and isn’t that what love is all about? The trying part of it? Appreciate the person who is holding his breathe while you open your gifts. Take a second to look at his eyes when you smile and thank him for the presents.The puppy-dog-in-love look will have you wearing the bright orange sweater that is three sizes too big and itchy as a bad case of chickenpox simply because the man you love bought it for you.

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Merry Christmas to every single one of my readers. Thank you for your continued support in my wacky writing endeavors. Without you, I would simply be talking to myself – only I would be doing it online. I hope Santa is good to you. More importantly, I hope the true meaning of Christmas fills your house and your hearts. We only have so much time on the amazing planet, so we need to soak in as much beauty and happiness as we can. What a better time to start than at the happiest time of the year, right?

I will be back in 2011! Until then … be well.

XOXO,

Hadley Slater